Not Having

This girl, she

Has never been kissed, she

Has maybe held hands, maybe

Felt the warmth of two arms

But she has never been there, at

The point of looking and locking

And leaning

Oh, the leaning

And then you are thinking

Thinking about lip on lip and

Nose on nose and

Brushing cheeks

Thinking about hands

On necks, on backs

Everything is small and cozy and close

Close changes things, close

Is always wanting for more closeness

More of the leaning, more of the thinking

Long after you leave, that smile

That smile, reserved

For driving home fast at the close of the day or

The dawn of the night

For remembering, hours

And hours hence

As you pack away the dishes

As you toss clothes in the hamper

As you pull the sheets up over yourself and

Grip the pillow tightly, perhaps

Put a hand on your waist, close your eyes

Watch it all over, memorize every whit

Every sound, smell, jump of the stomach

This girl, she

Can make no comparison

She has done many things, granted, but

She has never been held by that particular moment

Never felt so exceptional she feels she may burst

And yet, I

Am the one now alone, in my chair

Penning poems of death and miles away

Things I know next to nothing about

And she

She is free, of

The missing, and the wanting

For that moment, for

The looking, the locking

The leaning

The closeness that follows you through the door

She is free to float asleep in peace

While I lie on my side and long,

Grip my pillow, set a hand on my waist

That is the worst, I think, perhaps

Worse than not knowing

Is the knowing

And the not having

That is the force which chews a hole in your chest

Makes you pine for people and places

You have never met

For once you have had,

All you have not

Becomes sharply defined

And you are sure

That if you could just try it, all of it

For only a moment

You could call back the closeness

And give it a home

One that lasts past the season,

Unlike so many things

And, because you are lucky, because you

Are the exceptional one

It all makes room, so it

May shelter you too

Small, and cozy, and close

And smiling that smile all the way home

At the close of the day, or

The dawn of the night